Beware of Reoccurring Ignorance...

It has been over ten years since I first admitted to myself that my interest in the female form and function was of greater appeal than that of other women I knew and nearly ten years since I began admitting it to others. In the beginning my confessions were met wtih the harsh "Christian" rhetoric about sin and repentence and followed by loss after loss of love and support. It took me a long time to accept who I am, this woman God made me to be, and even longer to let go of the hurt others caused me in His name but I feel as though I overcame those obstacles a few years back and, perhaps foolishly, I was unprepared to face them again.

We encounter many signs in our day to day lives. "STOP", "YIELD", "SLOW Children at Play", "BEWARE OF DOG", "NO SMOKING", etc...but I suggest that a sign that reads: "Beware of Reoccurring Ignorance" would be especially helpful. Jen and I have been going strong for a little over 4 months, which hardly quantifies the depth our relationship has reached. In those four months we've dealt with many challenges ranging from divorce to surgery and a few hiccups in between and have landed on both feet, still running toward one another with arms outstretched. Still, as the ink dries on her divorce papers and we begin to dream up all of the exciting ways we are going to celebrate her newly found freedom a foe, I once knew so well, has begun to rear its ugly head.

In the name of all things Holy her soon to be ex has declared that he doesn't like how much time I spend with Cody and whether that is a result of his jealousy due to his own failure as a husband and father to this point or not he, with his hand on the Bible, is preparing his protest against all things homosexual. For the first time in many years I am hearing, by relay from Jen, how God says "Adam and Eve" not "Eve and Eve" etc...and though those words and the others no longer carry the guilt and shame and fear of damnation they used to hold over me they do provide a rarely encountered flashback of my coming out. To look on the bright side one might interject that these proclamations do not send me running back to my closet with tear soaked cheeks and that, that is a testimony of my growth and healing. However, I find little solace in having removed myself from the clutches of self-loathing when I consider what his ignorance is going to cost Jen and Cody in the weeks and months to come.

At this point he knows that Jen and I have previously "fooled around" because he found cards and other keepsakes that are evidence to that but we have agreed it is better that he not know the extent of our relationship until after the judge has signed the papers and legally pronounced their divorce. The time is coming very soon though when he will realize, or be told by Cody, that Jen and I are a fully functioning couple with no plan of changing that and then the real fun will begin. it is likely that he will fight Jen for custody of Cody, which is beyond ridiculous considering his lack of presence in Cody's short 5 years, but what is even more insane is that his basis for wanting Cody will largely center around his belief that his mother and I are unfit to parent Cody given the "environment" we will subject him to and NOT his actual desire to be a full time parent to Cody himself.

I remember when I first came out to my mom, through her tears she exclaimed that I shouldn't ever have children. Her proclamation was deeply rooted in her Catholic upbringing but fertilized by the hardship she anticipated a child with two moms or dads would encounter. The world has changed a lot in the last 10 years but in addition to that Jen and I live in a city that is far more progressive than the town I grew up in. I know many gay parents and their children are just as mal-adjusted as all of the "traditional" family's kids. In all seriousness, I know how much Jen loves Cody not to mention the fact that she has been nearly his sole care giver for almost 6 years and adding me, someone who also loves him very much and wants nothing but the best for him, to the mix could only give him a better chance at surviving this crazy world.

I'm nervous about the fight that is to come. Jen and I are adults and can shoulder the slander her ex is likely to produce but Cody is only a child, one whose life has recently been reorganized and I worry about how he will handle the reoccurring ignorance.