A Little Time to Marinade...

I know that I should strive to write more than once a month but the fact that I didn't write at all in the month of April is a testament to the fact that it was a crazy month in general and I simply do not know where all of the time went. What I do know is that this year is escaping and if I'm not careful it is going to disappear completely and I wont even notice.

So, it is the second day of the fifth month of the year and though I believe happiness to be a subjective and intangible, if not completely fluid, creation of our psyche I would like to report that I also believe that after 29 years of pursuing it I may be finally gaining ground. Since I am content with no one person's definition of happiness and have often mistakingly mislabeled my own I hesitate to make such a proclamation and yet this time, in ways I cannot discribe as anything other than dissimilar from others, I actually think I'm getting it right.

Since the distinguished age of 16 I have attempted to live my life based on the pre-paved routes other well intentioned people have suggested. Whether it was religious influence, rebelious influence, psychological influence, or other more subtle nudges every thought and action has been guided by an idea or direction first planted by another. Don't get me wrong, I have not been a puppet on a string perse, but I have certainly allowed myself to be jerked around more times then I care to admit. I also don't want to suggest that all who have pushed me in one direction or another have done so maliciously, though some have been careless in their efforts without question. Though it is cliche it is no less accurate to say that my life has been a journey but it seems I am finally ready to pave my own paths and decide my own directions.

I had the most simple and amazing conversation with Jen tonight. The topic isn't nearly as important as the resulting realizations nor are the two at all related. What I realized as I watched her drive away, aside from the fact that I am ridiculously in love with her, is that what is good for one may not be good for another and what is bad for one may not be bad for another. Please pay careful attention to my use of "good" and "bad" as opposed to "right" and "wrong" as I honestly believe right and wrong aren't nearly as subjective as good and bad.

Jen is perhaps the most similar partner I've ever had. We are more than like-minded we are like-hearted, something that makes our relationship both intensely easy and difficult all at once. Still, among all of our similarities, there are striking differences that we are beginning to realize and learn to navigate through. I'm going to need to give the concepts I am learning through my relationship with her more time to marinade before I cook them up and serve them to cyberworld...